August 8, 2010

Zone 3

I am not sure if I ever wrote about my uncle's alarm and a quick search of my blog didn't result in any posts, but nonetheless, when my grandmother passed in July of 2008 my uncle's home alarm system went crazy.  Without delving into the details, Zone 3 is the attic.  It's next to impossible to get on the roof of my uncle's attached townhouse.  Every time something happens in our family since then, Zone 3 lights up.  Today is no exception.  Whatever grandma is trying to tell us, we hear it and know that she's with us in our time of pain.  Call it Esotericism if you want, but lately I believe it more and more.  Things in this world are so interconnected that I don't believe in random chance, anymore. 

28th of Av, 5769 כ״ח באב תשס״ט -

28th of Av, 5770 כ״ח באב תש״ע

Today marks the Hebrew year since my dearest mom is no longer with us.  It is surreal.  It was surreal to light the candle and read the prayer (an excerpt of which is below).  It was surreal to sit with my cousin and go through the pictures.  It is surreal to come to a home without her.  I thought that I was okay until I lit the candle, read the prayer and realized that although I follow the Gregorian calendar, it's a year, (10 days ahead of schedule).  I think that I'm all blogged out, but I can't sleep in anticipation or dread of tomorrow's unveiling.
I Love You Mom, today, yesterday, everyday.


Shall I cry out in anger, O God,
Because Thy gifts are mine but for a while?

Shall I be ungrateful for the moments of laughter,
The seasons of joy, the days of gladness and festivity,
When tears cloud my eyes and darken the world
And my heart is heavy within me?

Shall I blot from mind the love
I have known and in which I have rejoiced
When a fate beyond my understanding takes from me
Friends and kin whom I have cherished, and leaves me
Bereft of shining presences that have lit my way
Through years of companionship and affection?

Give me the vision, O God, to see and feel
That imbedded deep in each of Thy gifts
Is a core of eternity, undiminished and bright,
An eternity that survives the dread hours
of affliction and misery.

Those I have loved, though now beyond my view,
Have given form and quality to my being.
They have led me into the wide universe
I continue to inhabit, and their presence
Is more vital to me than their absence.

What Thou givest, O Lord,
Thou takest not away,
And bounties once granted
Shed their radiance evermore.
-Rabbi Morris Adler


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